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ZEN JUDAISM

If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded
glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you
never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the
following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that
not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and
attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao
does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all
sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who
happens to be Jewish?

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things
faster.

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower
blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a
specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do
you have? Bupkes.

Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to
injuries and instill a violent, war-like nature. Encourage your child to
play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."

Those who know do not kibbitz. Those who kibbitz do not know.

Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.

Whenever you feel anger, you should say, "May I be free of this anger!"
This rarely works, but talking to yourself in public will encourage others to leave you alone.

Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your
original face before you were even born. Shocked? Remember, this was
before the nose job.